Carrot or stick? Or what?

A while ago I frequented internet dating sites. (I'm glad I did by the way, because that's how I met the love of my life!) Filling in my profile on one site, I had to tick a whole series of little questions designed to shed light on my personality. I was breezing through them, as you do, when one brought me to an unexpected stop - 'Carrot or stick?'

It pulled me up because I couldn't answer. Well, except to say neither. The thing is, they're the same. What's the difference between rewarding my son's good behaviour with, say, more time in front of the TV, and punishing bad behaviour by taking it away? (I'd love to say extra vegetables rather than TV here, but I really would be misleading you about what I've succeeded in instilling in him in the way of healthy values.) Either way, it's about coercing children to do what we say; calling it rewarding doesn't make any difference.

It's a big problem for us parents in today's world though - how to motivate kids. If our children know what they want to do with the rest of their lives we can say, 'Want to be a doctor? Well, you'll need to work hard and do well at sciences and things like that.' If they've got a future to live into, a source of ambition and drive, that's very effective. In fact that's something I find myself exploring with coaching clients sometimes - identifying something exciting to place in the future to live towards.

However, when we say 'So what do you want to be when you grow up?' to a kid, we're asking them 'So where do you see yourself in 15 years time?' That's a pretty big one. A friend of mine decided at the age of 7 he wanted to be a top graphic designer - and now he is. But I didn't have any sort of answer to that till I was about 38.

What does amaze me about kids though is how much vision they often DO have, despite everything the adult world flings at them in terms of immediate gratification. Our mission is perhaps less to instil it, more to nurture it. I suspect that has more to do with a child's own talents and passions than those of his or her parents. How many times have we said something that essentially says 'All I want is for you to be happy. Here's how to be happy'?

So, carrot or stick? Fertiliser, please.