Just watched 'Priscilla Queen of the Desert'. It's an excellent film I've watched a few times, but this time I noticed a few things that I hadn't before. I love how this happens - when you open up to thinking about something in a new way, thought-provoking stuff turns up in all sorts of funny places. Given that for me at the moment it's being a dad and a son, I find it rather cute that a movie about drag queens should give me such pause for thought.
One thing I spotted was the line where Terence Stamp's character says 'I never got a chance to tell them what a wonderful childhood I'd had.' He means once he had his gender-swapping operation. I've never had such an operation, but I did cut myself off from my family pretty decisively some time ago. Thing is, the rift is now at least nominally healed - but have I yet told them what a wonderful childhood I've had? Not really.
Steve Biddulph, in his excellent book 'Manhood', notes that all fathers want the respect of their sons, and vice versa. This is something else that's present in Priscilla. Hugo Weaving's character Mitzi meets his son properly for the first time, and is terrified what he'll think of having a gay dad. For years he's been shying away from opening up that can of worms and facing up to that fear, and it's been eating him; now he confronts it, and everything's fine. Actually it's better than that - he discovers his son respects him, loves him, and admires him, and it's a colossal revelation. The can of worms turns out to be a box of chocolates.
You don't have to be gay to have those barriers - cutting members of your family off or cutting yourself off from them can happen in all sorts of ways. We can blame ourselves, or other people. Sometimes we're only barely aware that it's even happening, and you wake up one day and realise there's a great big chasm between you and your parents or brother or whoever. Relationships, especially family ones, are prominent at Christmas of course - tragically, all too many of us find Christmas painful because of that.
There's all sorts of advice that could be given, but it all boils down to this - open communication. Talk, listen, empathise, be open, listen, hear. And let go of the idea that your point of view is the truth. If you're up on the moral high ground - isn't it lonely up there? Even if there's a rousing chorus of other people agreeing with you that you are completely In The Right? If you're feeling awkward or guilty that you've not called someone for ages, or held back from saying something, think how great they - and you - will feel when you call, or come out with it.
Christmas is coming. Let's talk, listen, forgive, clap our arms around each other and make it a happy one. Remember, the best boxes of chocolates are hidden in cans of worms.
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